


Bathing

by Aida



Series: 30 Day AU Challenge [24]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Gen, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-07
Updated: 2013-08-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 17:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/916108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which everyone's confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bathing

**Author's Note:**

> So for this prompt, not everyone has fallen under rule 63. I just flipped something about dwarves, and here you go...

Bilbo didn’t know much about dwarves, despite having travelled with them, risked his life to help them, and became far too intimate with how some of them tried to keep quiet whist taking care of… business. He probably should’ve known certain things, though. Some rather important things. That way, embarrassing situations couldn’t happen. And it happened in the worst way possible.

The even occurred after they started their trek down Carrock, after the Eagles had saved them and Thorin embraced him. There was a river nearby, and they had agreed to split up to bathe. Bilbo, not very comfortable with bathing in front of others unless it was absolutely necessary, ventured away from the group and found a secluded area to bathe privately. It was nothing like his bath at home, where hot water was a guarantee and he had nice soaps and hair oils, but it had to do.

He had stripped and waded in, shivering all the while as the cool water hit his bare skin. There was no way he could make a meal out of this bath, so he rushed through it as best he could, trying to clean off his clothes as well. 

Bilbo never really paused to think that the company might worry over him. That they might come looking for him.

“Bilbo?” He probably should have.

Flushing, he moved to try and cover himself, as he was knee deep in water, but there was nothing nearby except for his hands. As he moved to do so, he paused, for surely it wouldn’t matter. What did he have to hide? Only a soft, hairless middle amongst a plethora of hard muscle, fur and scars. Hands could not hide that.

“Bilbo are you there?” Plus, it was Bofur. And he could trust Bofur, couldn’t he?

“Yes!” He called, clearing his throat as his voice cracked form embarrassment. “Yes, I’m right here!”

A familiar dwarf popped out through the brush, donning only his hat, a tunic, and a wide smile. 

“There you are! We were wondering where you had-!” Bofur started, only to freeze, eyes going wide as he seemed to openly gape at his nether regions. “Wha- Sweet Mahal!”

“W-What’s wrong?” Bilbo asked, feeling more self-conscious than ever as Bofur’s jaw worked soundlessly. “Is… Is there something on me, or…?”

“N-No, lad… _lad_ , augh…” Bofur muttered, covering his eyes with his hands. “It’s… I just… no wonder you were bathing all on your lonesome!”

Something curled in Bilbo’s belly, like he drank a large glass of curdled milk as tears stung his eyes. “Am… I mean, I know I look nothing like you lot, but-!”

“I should hope so!” Bofur cried, taking a peak, and Bilbo watched as he went rather red-faced. “Oh, Maker, why didn’t you tell us?”

“I… I thought it was implied…” He muttered, hugging himself as his eyes burned. “I… I am a hobbit, but… Look, if I’m so hideous, maybe you should just go!”

“Wha-…?” Bofur muttered, daring to look at him again, and Bilbo saw something flash in his eyes before he averted them quickly. “Oh, oh _no_ , I didn’t mean it like that, Bilbo. I meant, why didn’t you tell us you were a _man_?”

He froze, looking at Bofur once again. “W-What are you talking about?” He asked. “I… I thought-.”

“What’s all the screaming about?” Another voice called. “Is everything alright?”

That was when Kíli burst into the clearing in nothing but their boots, and it was at that moment that it all clicked for Bilbo. For while there was body hair and hard muscles, there were also breasts and a thatch of hair instead of a cock. He also saw as Bofur stretched an arm up to cover a strained face, that there were now mounds on their chest as well.

“Oh, sweet Eru…!” Bilbo squeaked, belatedly turning around as he noticed that Kíli was going wide-eyed and flushing from head to toe. 

Bofur truly meant it when the toymaker had asked why Bilbo hadn’t mentioned that he was a man. It seemed that Gandalf didn’t include that little factor when he told the company about him, let alone inform Bilbo himself.

For he was the only man in the company, amongst over a dozen dwarrowdams. No wonder Bofur was so shocked. He must’ve thought Bilbo was a woman, just like them!

“Kíli, get out of here.” He heard Bofur speak as _she_ seemed to be trying to guide a shocked princess out of the clearing.

“But… But Bofur, did you _see_ …? So Bilbo’s a…” Kíli stammered. “Oh… _Oh_!”

“What’s going on here?”

“What’s all the ruckus?”

“Bilbo, is everything alright?”

Bilbo let out another squeak as he dove for the rocks that held his clothes, belatedly catching the sight of the company in various states of dampness and undress. All clearly women, and all clearly gawking at the fact that Bilbo had something dangling between his legs before he went to hide his body from them.

There were loud cries of shock at the fact, even as Bilbo moved to hide his eyes as well. 

“I had no idea!” Dori cried. “Balin, did you?”

“I had an inkling.” Said dwarrowdam replied. “And I believe, Nori, that I win.”

“I didn’t think men could be so…” Dwalin had rumbled, and Bilbo dared to peek as he saw a flush dance across her furry cheeks. “Pretty.”

He flushed himself at the compliment, though, really, it was probably more of an insult. But a dwarf thought he was something other than what he originally surmised. 

“Aye. Or brave.”

“Or so keen on handkerchiefs.”

“Or moldy cheese!”

“Or-!”

“ _Alright_!” Thorin called, silencing everyone. “Let us all give _Mister_ Baggins some privacy.”

“I was just about to suggest that, myself.” Bofur cut in. “Come on, then! We have things to do! Move it, _move it_!”

“But did you see it, Fee?” Bilbo heard Kíli hiss. “It was _huge_!”

He was sure he resembled a tomato, despite feeling a bit prideful at being anything along the lines of big. He waited until the shuffling of dwarven feet died down, and he looked up, seeing Bofur hanging back.

“I… I am sorry about this, Bilbo.” She muttered. “I’ll leave you to your… bathing.”

“I-It’s… okay…” He muttered, even when Bofur was long gone. He had a feeling that he would be facing a number of questions once he rejoined the group, but he had to at least try to finish bathing first.

But even before that could be done, he needed to remember how to move.

**xxx**

When he was properly dressed and bathed, he went back to camp and was met by various looks and stiff postures. Clearly, they felt as awkward about the entire situation as he did.

First things first, Bilbo cleared his throat. “I… I would like to apologize for… earlier…” He stated, trying not to shuffle his feet. “I thought that my being a man was no secret, and I did not mean to hide it from you purposefully. I would also like to say that… that nothing has to change. That I’m still Bilbo, and I promise to treat you all with the same respect and decency as I have done since the start of this quest. And… I hope… you’re alright with this…”

There was a pause before Thorin stood stiffly, clearing her throat. “Nothing has changed, and I apologize on behalf of the rest of us.” She stated. “We did not mean to embarrass you, or make you think less of yourself. You’re as important a member of this company as you have always been.”

There was a murmur of agreement, and Bilbo relaxed a little.

“So long as you keep to your word and continue to not try anything… untowards us…” She continued, and Bilbo grew quite flustered.

“I would never!” He cried, wincing when he realized what he just said. “I-I mean, not that I _wouldn’t_ , I… I mean, you’re all… _very_ lovely, but… No, I would never do something so heinous.”

Some of the dwarrowdams flushed at Bilbo’s words, but they seemed pleased enough. It seemed that they understood his meaning. 

With that, Bombur handed Bilbo a bowl of stew for his troubles, and patted his back with a smile. “You’re still one of us, burglar.” She said, getting a cry of agreement, and Bilbo sent them a small smile in return. 

“I… Thank you…”

With those words, the dwarrowdams turned back to their business and Thorin sat back down. His smile turned even more genuine when Bofur patted a space on a log next to her, and he took the seat willingly.

“I really am sorry about that, Bilbo.” She spoke earnestly. “I didn’t mean to make you think that you were ugly or anything.”

“No, I… It’s alright.” He replied. “To… To be honest, and don’t take this the wrong way, but… I didn’t even know that you were all…”

Bofur laughed. “Yes, well, we tend to get confused with men quite a bit.” She admitted. “Though we try to be better, we tend to make the same mistakes as well, as you’ve witnessed.”

“Well… all water under the bridge and whatnot.” He said. “So, you’re all…”

“You see, Bilbo,” Balin cut in as she shuffled in her seat nearby. “It’s a common misconception that women are rare amongst our kind. Something we have not tried to correct, for reasons of privacy and safety. In fact, there is not a shortage in our women, but in our men. I daresay, you’re a pleasant surprise.”

“R-Really?” Bilbo asked. “Why is that?”

Balin just winked. “You’re a man, and a most trusted ally and friend. A good man.” She explained. “You already captured the eyes of many of the company, and the fact that there could be procreation adds to that.”

“B-But I’m just a hobbit…!” He muttered, jumping a little when Bofur slung her arm around his shoulders.

“Bilbo, take a look around!” She hissed. “You’re quite popular amongst those interested in men!”

Bilbo looked, and flushed when he noticed Dwalin’s quick side glances, Nori’s wink, and Kíli’s shy, flushing face.

“Oh…” He muttered.

“Eat up, Bilbo.” Bofur said, pulling back to do just that. “I have a feeling you’re going to need your strength!”

**Author's Note:**

> Next is Circus...
> 
> ... What the heck am I going to do with this!?


End file.
